Dear Pee in a Cup

Dear Pee in a Cup,

Last week as I sat in Physiology the TA asked for volunteers to pee in a cup. For some reason, my hand shot up. I was the only girl in my section and the other 5 sections to volunteer, and I soon realized why.

This week I was handed a beaker. A 250mL plastic beaker. I was sent to the bathroom down the hall and around the corner with a pair of gloves. I found that it is much more difficult to realize where to position the pee beaker for a woman than it is for a man. I did get the pee to land in the beaker and the pent up urine filled the cup. Too much. Apparently if you drink the normal amount of water and hold it it is more than 250mL. I realized this as I heard drips hit the toilet bowl water. I brought the cup up and continued to pee. I wiped the urine off of the cup, my hands and the floor. All with a line of women waiting for the two stalls in the bathroom.

I picked up my very full beaker and opened the door. I brushed past the two women watching me and washed my hands. Then I put the glove over the opening of the beaker to prevent spillage. I then walked the decent distance back to my lab class. I took the beaker to the test station where all the guys made jokes about how full my pee cup was and wondered if I had been worried that it would overfill. I'm sure if I were watching it fill up like they had been I would have been worried. I laughed it off and said "yes" which really meant "it did."

Pee in a Cup, you were slightly acidic on the pH test I ran on you. You were the standard all the boys were comparing themselves to. You were the half way point in water content between the dehydrated and over hydrated boys. While it was a much more awkward process than I ever imagined, I am glad to have met you. You showed those boys.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Smith's

Dear Smith's,

Can I just tell you that I love that you do online coupons? All I have to do is click which ones I like and they are added to my shopper's card and when I swipe it at the register they automatically apply.

Yesterday I went to your Provo location. As you probably have never heard, I love chicken pillows, which involve putting a blob of a cream cheese/canned chicken mixture into the middle of a crescent roll triangle, rolling it up and baking it. I had a digital coupon for canned chicken. The canned chicken was already on sale. I had a digital coupon for $.50 off two Pillsbury Crescent Roll dough things. The roll container had a coupon to save $.55 on three. Needless to say, I bought three and in the end got the third for free.

Your online coupons make me want to be an extreme couponer. Until I remember that I have a life and do not like to dig for Sunday papers out of other people's garbage cans. I also never remember my coupons and hate using a ton (especially if they're for tampons). So you're allowing me to be a closet couponer without being the neighborhood psycho lady with twelve kids and 200 bottles of soy sauce stacked under every single child's bed.

Thank you, Smith's. And thank you for providing me with the cheapest chicken pillows I will have had in quite some time.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Live and Active Cultures

Dear Live and Active Cultures,

I don't really know what you are, but whenever I see you on my yogurt container as I'm eating breakfast I think about bacteria purposefully being placed in my food. It creeps me out.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

You have two choices:

1. Take down the billboard across the street from my apartment advertising chicken nuggets.

Or

2. Build a McDonald's across the street from my apartment so when the billboard tempts me I can fill my desires.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear White Zit

Dear White Zit,

You came out of nowhere the other day. Well, you came out of my pore but you know what I mean. I left my house in the morning with no apparent pimples. However, after going to the bathroom at 3pm I noticed you. You were ginormous and white and ready for the popping. Yes, I was in a public restroom. But no, I could not walk around with you on my face for the next four hours. So I popped you. And you were disgusting and you squirted all over the mirror. And while this is embarrassing to admit... I feared someone would come in so I quickly ran out of the door, wiping my face as I went. Yes, I expelled your contents on a public restroom mirror and left you there. It is embarrassing. But it is true. You deserved it. The night janitor did not.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Matt Nathanson

Dear Matt Nathanson,

I can't take my eyes off of you and your nose ring when I watch your "Faster" music video.

Marry me.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Zumba Girls

Dear Zumba Girls,

I love Zumba. I do. Which is saying something because I hate exercise. Obviously.

But your hair is ruining the experience for me.

A. If you insist on standing in the front middle of the room, making it hard for me to see the instructor in the first place, DO NOT wear a top knot making you six inches taller than your 5'10" frame.

B. It's Zumba. Girl that stands right in front of me no matter where I stand in the room: put your hair in a ponytail! It's weird that you're exercising with your hair down and it's going to give me whiplash one day.

C. When did you get knocked up? I think I missed something.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Tostitos Hint of Lime Chips

Dear Tostitos Hint of Lime Chips,

I'm sure that you are rather tasty. What I know even better, however, is that you sure do know how to break a fall. Thank you for saving my body (especially my elbows) from what could have been a disaster by allowing me to land on you, exploding both ends of the chip bag at once and spilling out your contents.



Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

It's the first week of October. Seriously.

Knock it off with the cold weather and the snow flurries.

Fall comes before Winter. It's historical. Look it up.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Corner Market

Dear Corner Market,

You popped out of nowhere a year or two ago with a built in Subway and my now favorite froyo place, Spoon it Up!. Since then you have also acquired a Redbox, which I use with fervor.

Last weekend I went in to the Corner Market to look for things to bake with. On my list was marshmallow fluff. I figured a small store like you wouldn't have it, but alas, you did. Today I went in hoping for some coconut milk but KNOWING that there was no way that you would contain coconut milk. To my astonishment you do not only sell coconut milk but have a small, comforting Asian section.

I love you.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Mad Mom Named Patricia

Dear Mad Mom Named Patricia,

I have refrained from identifying you further for confidentiality reasons. More like, I don't want to lose my job.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!

A. Don't call in to my office and treat me like a child because I am "only a student employee."

B. Don't patronize or yell at me when I am being friendly, controlling my tone more than I ever have in my life and while telling you that your son's late fee was a simple fix and we would take care of it.

C. Yes I am a student employee, but if your son has a job on campus, he is a student employee as well and I doubt that you would ever want someone to talk to him in the manner that you spoke to me yesterday.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Revlon Just Bitten Lip Stain + Balm

Dear Revlon Just Bitten Lip Stain + Balm,

Today I purchased you for a very special event happening tomorrow evening-- my dear friend's wedding reception. I wanted to look freaking hott because I never do and I figured your "Twilight" shade wouldn't make my teeth look orange.

However, while trying to get the shrink wrap off the cap on the "balm" end came off and tore off the "balm" with it. I was left with a marker. Yes, a lip stain dispensing marker. I grinned and beared it. I went to the mirror and applied you. But alas, you went on patchy and made me feel awkward and I returned to my room to hide behind my laptop to cry.

Then my makeup unsavvy roommate tried to fill in the patches for me. Like it's not awkward to have someone else put your makeup on, but a person that's never worn lipstick? There goes my ego.

You were not worth the $6.97 price tag.

Frankly,

Jessica

Dear Yoplait Yogurt

Dear Yoplait Yogurt,

You are a conundrum in my life.

On one hand, I love you because you are a quick and easy breakfast that I can eat at work that travels well and tastes moderately good.

On the other hand, whenever I open your lid you like to vomit some of your contents on me and my black dress pants. I despise that aspect of you.

Frankly,

Jessica