Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dear Krispy Kreme

Dear Krispy Kreme,

Thank you for your 12/12/12 "buy a dozen get a dozen free" promo.  Because of it, my mom, my roommate and I left your store with 72 donuts.  I don't know why anyone would ever need 72 donuts (or five, for that matter) but I feel like I have accomplished something in my life.

It may speak volumes that leaving a Krispy Kreme building with 72 donuts is an accomplishment in my life.  I assure you that I have graduated from high school AND from college.  But I never thought I would see the day when you could get 72 delicious Krispy Kremes for less than $30. 

Why the crap did we spend $30 on donuts?  Now that that number is out there I feel less accomplished about buying 72 donuts.

Nonetheless, they were delicious and were devoured by many friends and family members in need of some sugary fulfillment.



Dear Kaboom Foam-Tastic Color-Changing Bathroom Cleaning Foam

Dear Kaboom Foam-Tastic Color-Changing Bathroom Cleaning Foam,

I saw one of those obnoxiously long commercials for you where the actor guy screams instead of talking.  It was annoying but I was mesmerized by your color-changing action.

So I literally left my house within the next five minutes to buy a can of your magic contents.

I have never had an enjoyable cleaning experience until I met you.  When I first sprayed you you came out a blue foam that looked completely fake because of your unnatural and bright color.  Within two minutes you were gone.

I was left to imagine the chemical decomposition that rapidly took place in front of my eyes.

My friend's husband insisted that your color change was a gimmick.  But I know you cleaned the left side of the sink better than scrubbing the right side of the sink with a towel and water.  Thus, you are not a gimmick. 

You are the sole Heaven sent cleaning supply.  I bow to you.



Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dear Pee in a Cup

Dear Pee in a Cup,

Last week as I sat in Physiology the TA asked for volunteers to pee in a cup. For some reason, my hand shot up. I was the only girl in my section and the other 5 sections to volunteer, and I soon realized why.

This week I was handed a beaker. A 250mL plastic beaker. I was sent to the bathroom down the hall and around the corner with a pair of gloves. I found that it is much more difficult to realize where to position the pee beaker for a woman than it is for a man. I did get the pee to land in the beaker and the pent up urine filled the cup. Too much. Apparently if you drink the normal amount of water and hold it it is more than 250mL. I realized this as I heard drips hit the toilet bowl water. I brought the cup up and continued to pee. I wiped the urine off of the cup, my hands and the floor. All with a line of women waiting for the two stalls in the bathroom.

I picked up my very full beaker and opened the door. I brushed past the two women watching me and washed my hands. Then I put the glove over the opening of the beaker to prevent spillage. I then walked the decent distance back to my lab class. I took the beaker to the test station where all the guys made jokes about how full my pee cup was and wondered if I had been worried that it would overfill. I'm sure if I were watching it fill up like they had been I would have been worried. I laughed it off and said "yes" which really meant "it did."

Pee in a Cup, you were slightly acidic on the pH test I ran on you. You were the standard all the boys were comparing themselves to. You were the half way point in water content between the dehydrated and over hydrated boys. While it was a much more awkward process than I ever imagined, I am glad to have met you. You showed those boys.



Friday, November 11, 2011

Dear Smith's

Dear Smith's,

Can I just tell you that I love that you do online coupons? All I have to do is click which ones I like and they are added to my shopper's card and when I swipe it at the register they automatically apply.

Yesterday I went to your Provo location. As you probably have never heard, I love chicken pillows, which involve putting a blob of a cream cheese/canned chicken mixture into the middle of a crescent roll triangle, rolling it up and baking it. I had a digital coupon for canned chicken. The canned chicken was already on sale. I had a digital coupon for $.50 off two Pillsbury Crescent Roll dough things. The roll container had a coupon to save $.55 on three. Needless to say, I bought three and in the end got the third for free.

Your online coupons make me want to be an extreme couponer. Until I remember that I have a life and do not like to dig for Sunday papers out of other people's garbage cans. I also never remember my coupons and hate using a ton (especially if they're for tampons). So you're allowing me to be a closet couponer without being the neighborhood psycho lady with twelve kids and 200 bottles of soy sauce stacked under every single child's bed.

Thank you, Smith's. And thank you for providing me with the cheapest chicken pillows I will have had in quite some time.



Monday, October 24, 2011

Dear Live and Active Cultures

Dear Live and Active Cultures,

I don't really know what you are, but whenever I see you on my yogurt container as I'm eating breakfast I think about bacteria purposefully being placed in my food. It creeps me out.



Thursday, October 20, 2011

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

You have two choices:

1. Take down the billboard across the street from my apartment advertising chicken nuggets.


2. Build a McDonald's across the street from my apartment so when the billboard tempts me I can fill my desires.



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Dear White Zit

Dear White Zit,

You came out of nowhere the other day. Well, you came out of my pore but you know what I mean. I left my house in the morning with no apparent pimples. However, after going to the bathroom at 3pm I noticed you. You were ginormous and white and ready for the popping. Yes, I was in a public restroom. But no, I could not walk around with you on my face for the next four hours. So I popped you. And you were disgusting and you squirted all over the mirror. And while this is embarrassing to admit... I feared someone would come in so I quickly ran out of the door, wiping my face as I went. Yes, I expelled your contents on a public restroom mirror and left you there. It is embarrassing. But it is true. You deserved it. The night janitor did not.